Just Call Me Dad

I don’t know what it is, but my daughter loves to cry for me.

She’s almost 7 months now, and I’m just not very comforting to her for some reason. I cannot soothe her. This is frustrating on a thousand levels, not only for my ego, but also for my wife who has to bear the burden of putting my daughter to sleep several times per day.

Initially, I wasn’t too concerned about this. After all babies, like cats and dogs, tend to love those who feed them. Since my breasts, although very nice, do not produce any milk, it’s natural that I’m not number 1 on her list of favourite people. Still, I do give her bottles from time to time, and I give her almost all of her baths – which is something that she enjoys a lot. Still, over time it wore on me. Why didn’t she respond better to me? Why aren’t I a soothing shoulder for her to calm down on?

In reality, this is not that unusual. Dads just can’t provide the basic needs that babies need when they are little – unless they are completely bottle fed. Even then, baby lived inside mom for a long time. Her voice is familiar. Her smell is familiar. Dad is kind of, well… strange.

My new role is as ‘the fun one’. I make her giggle. I tickle her. I give her zerbits. When I can, I’ll continue to give her bottles, and I’ll keep trying to soothe and comfort her. Eventually it will happen. In the meantime, there’s no sense in beating myself up over it.

Thanks To TechAddiction.com For The Pic

Last year, when my son was 3, I noticed that a number of the kids in his preschool class were wearing Transformers clothing. I began talking to another father that I was friendly with and asked if his son really even knew anything about the Transformers, since he was only 3 years old. The reply surprised me. “Oh yeah, he loves the movies. I think he’s seen the first one about 50 times.”

My mind raced through the film. An all-out attack on a military base in the Middle East – bodies flying everywhere. A sexy Megan Fox. Machine guns, explosions, death. Is this appropriate for my 3 year old to watch? My mind flashed back to my childhood. I remember driving 100 miles to see Return of the Jedi on opening night, at the tender age of 4. When I was older, we had a video store on the corner that I used to rent movies from, and I recall renting any movie that I wanted to see – even R rated movies – well before the age of 12. Does violence in the movies have an effect on our children?

We tried watching the Transformers with our son. I skipped all the parts I thought were questionable, and watched the robot fight scenes. They didn’t appeal to him, and we didn’t even finish the movie. Problem avoided.

Fast forward one year, and things have changed. Now, my son wants to watch Transformers. He’s more familiar with the franchise because he received some toys as presents, and the other kids are bringing the toys to preschool more often. We watched it again, and this time, he loved the movie. I was very open with him –  I kept asking if he was scared, if he knew what was going on, if he knew that it wasn’t real. He said he wasn’t scared, that he knew it wasn’t real, and that he liked it. We ended up watching Transformers 2 the next night.

Last week I was in the basement, playing the video game Assasins’ Creed. This game, set in the 12th Century features a lot of running, climbing, and swordplay. Some of the swordplay is surprisingly graphic – the swords penetrate armour and flesh, protruding from the other side of the victims. After one particularly difficult battle I heard a voice behind me say “Go Daddy!” My son had come into the basement and had been watching from the shadows.

Once again I had a conversation with him.  And again he told me that he knew it wasn’t real and that he wasn’t scared by what he saw. I’ve seen no increase in his aggressiveness toward other kids, and he hasn’t had any nightmares.

My parents were not models of responsibility, and I would never let my son do many of the things that I was allowed to do as a child. But, I wonder sometimes if we are too protective in this 21st century. Bugs Bunny cartoons on Teletoon Retro have disclaimers before they air because of the ‘violence’ contained within, as if our children were going to drop anvils on each other. Last night I was playing Call of Duty: MW3 in the basement and my son came down again. He cuddled up beside me and watched for a bit. Then he got bored, and went back to his mom and sister.

I’d love to get my son interested in Star Wars. He’s the age I was when I was introduced to it, and I have fond memories of the series. In talks with other dads I’ve learned that they also feel this is the age to introduce them to ‘The Force’.

So, what to do? Well, I think we need to take that PG rating seriously – parental guidance means asking questions, talking to our kids, and making sure that they are okay with what they are seeing. There is obviously a moving line for this type of thing – what will be okay for one parent may be completely taboo for another. But in many ways, I think that as long as you are aware enough to be asking the questions, that you are probably responsible enough to make the right decision for your kids. In my case, I bought a copy of Transformers 3 to finish off the series with my son. And I’m looking for Star Wars on DVD. But I think I’ll keep those Sylvester Stallone movies locked up tight for a few more years.

I’d love to hear what you think.

Yesterday I made a coffee date with my son. It was for today. We left the house, drove to the local coffee shop, and hung out for about 30 minutes drinking hot chocolate and talking about Christmas and his friends and whatever else he wanted to talk about.

When we got home, I went back to work, and he played with his Mom and sister. My wife told me later that he said going for coffee with me was the best part of his day.

I was pretty worried about his feelings when his sister came in June. There have been moments he’s felt ignored, I’m sure of it. There’s not really any way to avoid it when you have a tiny baby – they need so much attention. Its good to know that something as simple as a cup of coffee can make everything right.

2011 flew by in this household. It’s been May since I posted here, and I’ve missed it. I started 2011 by saying that I would be back here more often, and I haven’t been. To be fair, it has been busy. My work has taken off this year, we had a new child (a daughter named Charlotte – YAY!) and as my son gets older he is getting more involved in activities. That’s my justification, though it is not an excuse. I recognize that other people have much more on their plates and still manage to create blog posts. All I can say is that I will try harder.

Merry Christmas!

My son told me yesterday when he woke up that he had sand in his eyes, sand that the Sandman had put there.

How ironic is it that we tell our children that there is nothing to fear in the dark, that there are no monsters under the bed, no gremlins in the closet, and that they are completely and totally safe in their beds, but then go on to tell them that a fat man in a red suit (Santa) sneaks into our house once a year without anybody knowing, that the tooth fairy can be so stealthy that she can literally take something from under his pillow without him knowing, that the Sandman comes into our house and puts sand in our eyes when we sleep, and that the Easter Bunny runs around hiding things in our living room, all without anybody knowing.

It’s no wonder kids have nightmares.

There are a lot more than four! They didn’t even touch ferberizing! Great video though.

What a roller coaster ride 2010 was for my family. It was great, but marked with some tragedy. Now, with 2011 under way I am positive about the year.

For one thing, we have been blessed with a new pregnancy, allowing us to move past the miscarriage and focus on the future and happiness. Nick is an amazing little boy and surprises me everyday with his character, humor, and intelligence. And of course, my wife is a real trooper, managing to stay positive through it all.

Hello 2011, let’s get back to business.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve made a post on this blog – it hasn’t been for a lack of topics, just a distraction in my mind that I haven’t been able to get around.

Earlier this year, my wife and I found out that she was pregnant. This was wonderful news as we were looking to expand our family and bring another child into our hearts and home. As each day passed, I got more excited about the pregnancy, but thought it would be best to wait the traditional 3 months before posting about it here. In a way, I’m glad that I waited, as we got some bad news at the 11 week point.

It all started with some spotting. Nothing too serious, just something to keep an eye on. The next day we called in the Grandparents to look after Nick while we went to the hospital. After being in for more than 14 hours, we were sent home with an order for some follow-up blood tests to be performed in three days.

The next evening, things went from bad to worse. My wife started to hemorrhage very seriously, and we rushed to the ER. By rushed, I mean I drove FAST. Due to the severity of the bleeding, we were given priority and saw a doctor and nurses very quickly.

After entering the hospital in the evening, my wife was discharged two days later after having a D&C procedure performed. We found out a few weeks later at a follow-up doctor’s appointment that my wife was pregnant with twins, and that was the reason for the miscarriage.

I learned a lot about pregnancies, the hospital system (at least here) and the available medical treatments. This topic is not something that I hear a lot about – it is a very personal topic – but I think it’s something that there should be more discussion of.

What is a miscarriage?

Technically, a miscarriage is a loss of pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. A loss of pregnancy after 20 weeks is termed a stillbirth. In a terrible choice of words, the medical term for a miscarriage is a Missed Abortion.

Technically speaking, there are no medical treatments available to stop a miscarriage once it has started. In fact, the baby probably passed away in the days before you noticed any symptoms. The symptoms (cramping, bleeding, pain) are the body’s methods of expelling the remains. In another terrible choice of words, the remains of your child will be referred to as “The Product” as in “The Products of Conception”.

These last pieces of information are valuable to know, as we entered the hospital believing that there must be something that can be done to save our child’s life, and felt helpless and frustrated as we repeatedly asked for doctors and nurses to help. Someone could have explained this to us a little better.

What happens at home or the hospital?

Well, it’s not pleasant. Basically, the remains of your baby are passed from the woman’s uterus. In some cases, this will be accomplished without medical aid (please go see a doctor though). In other cases medicine may be prescribed to speed or ease this process.

The worst case scenario is a Dilation & Curettage (D&C). This is a surgical operation where the woman is placed under anesthesia and “The Product” is surgically removed from the uterus via vacuum and physical methods. This is used when there is risk of infection or high levels of blood loss.

What happens after a miscarriage?

Well, I guess that really depends on you and your spouse. In general, because the woman is not yet showing and the pregnancy is not far along, men handle the event better than women. Usually, men have not yet formed a bond between themselves and the baby, and the event comes across as feeling somehow not real. In the beginning, this is how it was for me – I knew something bad was happening, but it just never seemed real. It was only later that I really understood what had happened and how that was going to change our lives. In women, even at a very early stage, it feels like they are losing their baby. There are likely to be pretty strong emotions to deal with, and a lot of thinking to do after the event. Because of the strong emotional complications, most women are advised to avoid becoming pregnant for at least 90 days even though they may be physically ready for pregnancy again very quickly following a miscarriage.

Things to remember.

This is very common. In the US, about 20% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Because the severity of the miscarriage can vary some estimate the number to be closer to 40% or 50%. You are not alone.

This sucks. You don’t need to be reminded that going through this is not something that you want to do. However, it’s nice to know that everybody else out there also thinks this sucks, and you have every right to be sad, angry, and grumpy for a while.

This isn’t your fault. Most of the time, miscarriage is a result of chromosomal abnormalities in the child. This did not happen to you or your spouse because you ate something bad, exercised too much or not enough, or had too much stress at work. Miscarriages related to trauma are relatively rare as the baby is very well protected in the uterus.

It could be worse. I know you don’t want to hear this, but in the past many women died from the hemorrhaging of miscarriage. At the very least, be thankful that you or your partner will live to try again.

Final thoughts.

I’m not a doctor, so make sure that you see a medical professional if you are pregnant or having any problems with your pregnancy. Just go. The stats presented here are the best numbers that I could find in my research and I believe them to be accurate, but again, check with your health care provider if you have any concerns.

The blog post that I originally envisioned for the 12th week of the pregnancy (a photograph of a fresh, steaming bun in the oven) was replaced by something much more morose several weeks later. Still, I hope that this post helps you if you are going through this terrible pain, and I hope that you know that you are not alone and that there are others out there who understand the way you feel.

Once upon a time my wife and I were both avid campers. It was a get away, a cheap vacation, and an escape from the bustle of everyday life. For us, there were few things more relaxing than sitting beside a fire late at night and gazing into the flames.

As Nicholas approaches 3 years old, the desire to get back into camping has grown, but the thought of having to pack up and head home in the middle of the night because of a scared child was worrisome. What we needed was a test trip, something close to home and the safety that it provided.

Enter the backyard camping trip.

Even though we were only in our backyard, we tried to set the mood of the day like a camping trip by spending most of the day outdoors, grilling burgers for supper, and having a backyard picnic. After supper we set up the tent and got all of the bedding ready.

To me, no camping trip is complete without a fire. Our city does allow backyard fire pits (many don’t, so be sure to check before striking flint to steel), but they have pretty stringent requirements for area surrounding the pit. Plus, I didn’t really want to go to all the hassle of building a fire and extinguishing it for what would amount to 30 minutes around the campfire.

I did some searching on the Internet and found a great alternative. These fire pits run on the familiar 1lb propane bottle that so much other camping equipment uses, and has a pretty decent flame. They do say that you shouldn’t cook on them, but we roasted marshmallows and made s’mores with no trouble at all. I think a weenie roast would be possible, but it would probably take a long time.

Then, when it was time to put Nicholas to bed, we read him some stories and tucked him in. We assured him that we were right outside the tent and that we could hear him if he needed us. Mom and I sat around the fire for a while, and then went to bed ourselves.

The night was uneventful. All of us slept well in the tent, with no interruptions. We woke up a little earlier than usual, but were all well rested.

If you have been considering a camping trip with your children but aren’t sure how it will work, I strongly recommend trying out camping in your yard. Our first real camping trip will come up soon, and I will report how it goes. For the first trip I would recommend choosing a campground close by, but more adventuresome parents may want to go all in and shoot for the moon on the first trip.

Whatever you do, have fun!